And now, yuppie terrorismo.
As you may have guessed, this translates from the Spanish as “yuppie terrorism,” and unfortunately means exactly what it says.
As a socioeconomic (or is it sociopathic?) group, yuppies have been obnoxious enough when doing nothing more dangerous than worshiping food processors and behaving amorously toward BMWs. But now they are setting off car bombs.
For the moment, this nasty practice has been confined to Venezuelan yuppies, but as there’s nothing any yuppie craves more than a trend, the rest of the world should take note. There was a time, after all, when killer bees were confined to Brazil.
I just now learned about yuppie terrorismo where Washingtonians usually learn about alarming developments-indeed, any kind of developments-at a dull, stuffy but gossipy capital social event.
It was in fact at a dull capital social event that I first learned about the alarming development of navel rings: a rather creaky book party last fall for long-retired capital social columnist Betty Beale and her gossipy bio, “Power at Play: A Memoir of Parties, Politicians and the President in My Bedroom.”
Miss Beale’s memoir wasn’t terribly shocking (those presidents came into her bedroom mostly just to yak), but during her book party, attention turned abruptly to an attractive and demonstrably young urban professional red-haired female guest, who suddenly yanked up her sweater to expose her navel and the quite obvious fact that it had been pierced and decorated with a large silver ring.
“I had it done in New York-in the Village,” she said. “It’s the latest trend, although some say it’s already passe. The new thing is personal branding.”
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The news of yuppie terrorismo came just as shockingly, at least to me, at a dull, stuffy luncheon at Washington’s dull, stuffy Army Navy Club. A distinguished former ambassador abruptly turned from talking about NAFTA to making the astounding revelation that a gang of stockbrokers, investors and other yuppie masters of the universe in Venezuela had set off an after-hours car bomb in the Caracas financial district in hopes of tricking the Venezuelan news media into believing that the country was going to be hit by a new wave of political terrorism.
According to the ex-ambassador, these yuppie dastards were all deeply involved in stock options (you know, “puts” and “shoves,” or whatever). They calculated that a new terrorist scare would drop stock prices to the point where they could make a quick killing. They were quickly apprehended (most yuppies-not to speak of people who take fliers on stock options-are pretty brainless), and local papers were soon carrying screaming headlines like “Yuppie Terrorismo!” But not before some of the yuppies apparently did make a little killing.
A Venezuelan Embassy spokesman confirmed all of this, adding that the world paid no attention to the yuppie car bombing because no one was killed. He said there were “15 or 11 or 18” in the yuppie terrorist gang (diplomacy is not an exact profession) and that “some of them are in jail awaiting trial and some are not.”
There are those who will say, “It can’t happen here.” But I offer contrary evidence: (1) Didn’t yuppie author Bret Easton Ellis recently write a book about a yuppie serial killer? and (2) What about the Menendez brothers?
Anyone who read the book or saw the movie “Barbarians at the Gate” knows that American yuppies are a ruthless lot in the best of times, and these are not the best of times. Many thousands of Wall Street types have been laid off in this recession, and some are in such desperate straits they can barely afford to eat lunch at Le Cirque.
But this “personal branding” trend may help. A big “Y” on yuppie foreheads would at least warn us of their coming-though I must confess I already find myself fleeing at the mere sight of one of those dotted yellow or swirly patterned ties.