Call it the theory of dramatic relativity: For every hero, there needs to be a villain. Good needs evil. Bond needs Goldfinger. Luke needs Darth. It’s a concept with a rich history in culture, from movies to plays to pro wrestling to perhaps the most famous book of all.
So the NBA needed Bill Laimbeer, the Detroit center who retired this month after 10,000 points, 10,000 rebounds, two championships, 63 disqualifications and hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines.
Without him, the NBA could become a cozy country club in which all the members ooze mutual respect and (yawn) get rich together.
“We’re not worse off, but whether we want to admit it or not, we’re going to miss Laimbeer,” current Pistons center Olden Polynice said. “He wore the black hat. That’s entertainment. Everybody came to the arena to take their frustrations out. If they had a bad day at work, it was, `Hey, Detroit’s coming to town. I’ll boo Laimbeer.’ “
His departure leaves a void. Who will replace him as the NBA’s most-hated man?
“Rodman,” Los Angeles Clippers coach Bob Weiss said, without hesitation. Certainly, San Antonio’s Dennis Rodman is a likely suspect. It’s no coincidence that he and Laimbeer played seven seasons together in Detroit.
Others, however, aren’t so sure that Laimbeer can be replaced. “He was one of a kind,” Polynice said. “If someone else tries to imitate it, it will be just that-an imitation.”
Before he was traded to Detroit last season, Polynice said he thought Laimbeer was a jerk, only he used a stronger word. And after becoming a teammate? “I still thought he was a (jerk),” Polynice said. “But I saw what he was doing. He felt that if he got the edge on you mentally, he’d throw you off.”
Timberwolves center Mike Brown, who had plenty of battles with Laimbeer, also couldn’t suggest a ready replacement. “Other guys might just have one thing. But everybody didn’t like Bill, for everything,” Brown said. “People don’t like Danny Ainge’s attitude. They boo Christian (Laettner). And you hate them for sticking it to you on the court.
“But Bill had the attitude. And he didn’t have the, quote, basketball ability of running and jumping, so people wondered why he should be able to win two world championships. And then he was dirty. So he had everything going against him.”
Dirty tactics, whining ability, lummox size, cushy roots (Notre Dame, wealthy family) and enough talent to frequently beat you. Charles Barkley has most of the ingredients, but he’s more amusing than annoying.
Here is a Top 10 list of candidates to replace Laimbeer. Or, considering the villainous nature of the group, the NBA’s 10 Most Wanted:
10. Anthony Mason, New York: Thanks to Pat Riley’s East Coast version of Showtime, Mason plays for the league’s most-hateable team in America’s most-hateable city. He’s a bruiser, capable of collecting flagrant fouls the way David Letterman collects speeding tickets. But he sometimes gets more riled up than his opponent.
9. Xavier McDaniel, Boston: “X” attacks players’ minds through fear; his shaved head, menacing glare and established willingness to erupt are cause for pause. Plus, his chokehold on former Lakers guard Wes Matthews several seasons back produced one of the most chilling (and funny) photos in recent memory. Weaknesses in his game give some confidence back to his foes.
8. Derrick Coleman, New Jersey: Some teammates reportedly call him “Joe Jackson,” a reference to the overbearing and grumpy head of the musical Jackson family. He didn’t endear himself to fans, either, when he turned down a $65 million contract offer. Coleman brought a bandit image with him from Syracuse and adds a dash of underachievement to irritate those who admire work ethic.
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7. Reggie Miller, Indiana: The Pacers’ guard got into a brawl with Michael Jordan and showed no remorse, a big qualification for this job. But he wasn’t always that chippy with others, and he even got some sympathy when John Starks of the Knicks (keep reading) headbutted him late last season.
6. Cliff Robinson, Portland: The league’s top sixth man, Robinson plays singlemindedly, without conscience, and seemingly has not softened to the chumminess of today’s millionaire players. His rainbow of headbands draws fans’ eyes and wrath.
5. Ken Norman, Milwaukee: A sleeper. He has skills, is an enforcer type, and has the baleful stare of a hit man. A 6-8 strongman from Illinois, Norman takes absolutely no guff in the paint.
4. Alonzo Mourning, Charlotte: ‘Zo’s trump card is talent. He’s the most-formidable player on this list, and if Charlotte lives up to its billing as a future dynasty, it will be easy to root against the Hornets and their best performer. He also has never spent a nickel on a Dale Carnegie course.
3. Christian Laettner, Timberwolves: Face it, the potential is there. Laettner’s Duke heritage offers some of the same anti-hero qualities as Laimbeer’s privileged upbringing. His hair, headband and apparent aloofness are easy targets for catcalls and banners, and Laettner has the ability to back up his smirks. His footprint on the chest of that Kentucky player back in his college days remains stomped in people’s memories.
2. John Starks, New York: The Knicks’ baddest dude works too hard and hustles too much to ever make fans in opposing arenas comfortable. Like Mason, he embodies his team’s aggressive, physical style. And he really can lose control at times. His CBA experience won’t allow him to bow to the league’s bluebloods.
And (drum roll) the player most likely to replace Bill Laimbeer as the NBA’s top villain. . . .
1. Dennis Rodman, San Antonio: Where to start? There’s his ever-changing hair, nine tattoos and pierced body parts. Rodman is a horrible shooter but a tenacious rebounder, working harder than anyone at one of the grittiest jobs. He also suits up, appropriately, in the same silver-and-black colors as the L.A. Raiders, a good start for any bad guy. His rocky personal life is no laughing matter, but on the court he’s mercurial, unpredictable and animated.
A typical Rodman moment: In a preseason game at Orlando, Rodman disagreed with a foul call and expressed his exasperation by lifting his jersey over his head. A scout watching from the press table said: “With that guy, he might just drop his shorts, too.”
And the crowd hooted and booed and . . .