Americans are very upset about crime. It has become such a serious problem that even the U.S. Congress has taken precious time away from campaign fundraising to pass a tough Anti-Crime Bill, which will make the streets safer for decent, law-abiding citizens by imposing harsh mandatory minimum penalties on Sen. Bob Packwood.
But government action alone is not the answer. I believe that, to fight this crime wave, we need to remember what our pioneer foreparents did when they were settling the Wild West and there were few lawpersons around to defend civilians from the cattle rustlers and the gunslingers and the highwaypersons and the roving outlaw gangs of Amway distributors.
In those days, ordinary civilians sometimes had no choice but to form posses, saddle up their horses and bring lawbreakers to justice at the end of the barrel of a gun. I realize that what I’m about to say is highly controversial, but maybe it’s time we did the same thing. That’s right: If the police can’t protect us, then maybe it’s time we exercised our constitutional right to keep-and bear-horses. A criminal is going to think twice about entering your bedroom if he knows there’s a horse in there. Especially if he (the criminal, also the horse) has new shoes.
Another option, of course, is to buy a handgun. This is a controversial issue, so let me state out front that whatever you think about the handgun issue, it is my firm belief that-and you may call me a courageous individual if you wish-you are 100 percent correct. But whatever opinion we jointly hold, we need to consider the implications of a handgun-related news item that was reported recently by Tom McNiff of The Ocala Star-Banner in Florida.
This item, which I am not making up, describes a tragic incident involving a Marion County, Fla., commissioner named Norm Perry, whose wife, Betty, was getting ready for a weekend visit to Miami. Needless to say, Norm was nervous about this because Miami has a reputation for having a bad crime problem.
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It’s so bad that this punch line has been stolen. (Rim shot, answered by gunshots.)
Seriously, I happen to live in South Florida, and the crime situation down here is really not that bad, as long as you take certain basic precautions-locking your doors, avoiding poorly lit areas, moving to Idaho, etc. But life down here can be unnerving. For example, a while back we rented one of those warehouse storage lockers, so we could store some of our stuff in there for a couple of years before throwing it all away. The rental guy asked me to sign a piece of paper, and he said (this is a real quote):
“This just says you’re not going to use it to store any, like, drugs or human bodies.”
I looked at him.
“You’d be surprised,” he said.
You would be surprised. Here’s another true Miami story: On Thanksgiving Day, some workers were trying to fix a clogged toilet at a rental duplex, and they found a person in the septic tank. (This person was deceased. Fortunately for him.) Police don’t know how the body got there, but it’s a safe bet that it wasn’t an accident, unless we’re talking about one of those extremely high-suction toilets.
But getting back to Commissioner Perry and his wife: The Star-Banner reports that, at Commissioner Perry’s suggestion, Mrs. Perry was planning to take a handgun with her to Miami. As she was packing, however, she discovered that the gun was jammed; so she brought it to Commissioner Perry, who was standing in front of his closet, deciding on what to wear. He was working on the gun when suddenly, unexpectedly, it went off.
You have probably already guessed what happened: The bullet-in yet another of the senseless tragedies that we read about all too often these days-went through nine of Commissioner Perry’s dress shirts.
“Those shirts are $25 to $30 apiece,” he told The Star-Banner.
A terrible waste, you say? Yes. But sometimes you must pay a price for vigilance. In today’s crime-ridden society, there could very easily have been a criminal hiding in the back of Commissioner Perry’s closet, planning to steal enough money to afford air fare to Miami. And this criminal could easily have been penetrated by Norm’s bullet, which would have meant that he (the criminal, also the horse, if Commissioner Norm kept one in there) would no longer be roaming the streets and victimizing innocent people. Instead, he would be successfully suing Commissioner Perry for millions of dollars.
So let me just state, as a South Florida resident, how grateful I am to Commissioner Perry for caring enough about his wife’s safety to want to send her down here with a handgun. The one thing we need more of down here is armed people, which is why, on behalf of the Chamber of Commerce, I am urging everybody who is thinking of visiting South Florida to feel free to bring the weapon of his or her choice, although we do remind you that, before you travel with a gun, you should take the standard precaution of test-firing it in Commissioner Perry’s closet.
Also, flush with care.