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player ready...Hear that ticking sound?
Sandra Pettway does. She can’t seem to escape it.
But Carolyn Baumgartner, the woman sipping juice to her right, simply ignores it.
Merrily White has managed to turn down the volume, but can’t quite turn it off. And Connie Scott says she never heard a thing.
Like any woman, each of these women has that infernal, internal biological clock that determines how long they can bear children.
To some, it’s the pulse of a bomb that affects nearly all their decisions and has them scurrying like the white rabbit in “Alice in Wonderland.” For other women it is nothing more than an alarm clock missing batteries. They don’t care if it goes off or not.
No one really knows why some women hunger for a baby and other women are happy without. It could be their upbringing, societal pressures or a deeply rooted biological need. Whatever the reason, the ability to reproduce continues to be a key factor in the way society perceives a woman and the way she perceives herself.
When a group of women were invited to discuss the topic over juice and coffee, they were surprisingly candid about the effect the biological clock has had on their lives.
Pettway, a 32-year-old engineer, says she used to stuff a pillow up her shirt so that her grandmother could see what she might look like if she were pregnant. Her strong desire for children has affected whom she dates and even relationships with other women, she says.
She had hoped to be married by her mid-20s and raising children by now. There is still time, but she has already begun considering other options, such as adoption.
“I even considered artificial insemination to have a baby,” she says. “But when my mom found out she had a fit. She said, `If you want a baby that bad just find a nice man. You don’t have to marry him.’ “
Even women who don’t desire children are affected by the biological clock.
Baumgartner, a 37-year-old special education instructor, was hard at work on a master’s degree in post-graduate education when many of her friends were enrolling in Baby 101. She sympathizes with single friends who are now agonizing that they might never have children even though she never felt the same burning desire. And yet, she used to wonder whether something was wrong with her because she lacked the urge.
“Sometimes I think it’s a chemical thing because I really do love kids,” she says.
She also has to consider how it might affect the men she dates.
“I do understand how important it is to some people. I would never want to take that away from somebody I love,” she says.
Both women say people have questioned their sexual preference and wondered why they aren’t married yet, as if there is something unnatural in their single, childless state. It’s more acceptable to be a divorced parent, Baumgartner says.
Conversation jumps around as the group discusses the effect child-bearing, or lack of it, has had on their social lives: The pitying looks from friends who have already started families, the attempts at matchmaking and the way some men use the biological clock to push women into relationships.
Other men seem to be watching a clock of their own.
White, a 29-year-old bank employee, says her husband wasn’t in any hurry to have children before they were married. He wanted them to pursue other interests first. But since the birth of their son almost a year ago, he has decided they should finish their childbearing by age 30 so they can travel and enjoy their retirement later, the way her parents have.
White is just as eager to extend their family. She was the one who decided it was time to have their first child after four years of marriage.
“I decided it was time for me because I was getting very jealous of my sister. Whenever one of my girlfriends would tell me she was pregnant, it would just depress me because I was ready.”
Across the room from White, the only pregnant member of the group shakes her head. Scott, a 32-year-old in hospital marketing, is expecting her first child, but obviously considers herself on the opposite side of the fence.
“I always felt like there were so many other choices. And really having a baby was just another choice,” she says. “I have to admit that going through this pregnancy stuff has added a dimension to my experience as a woman.
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“I wouldn’t call it a panacea or the end-all. It’s just a nice extra flavor. But I would have been happy with my plate without it.”
The group also described how their child-bearing decisions had affected relationships with other women. Once children enter the picture, friends with children and those without seem to have less to talk about. They have trouble getting together for outings and gradually may drift apart. But a change in status may be all it takes to rebridge the gap.
Scott says she suddenly began hearing from moms she had lost contact with once they heard she had joined their ranks.
None of the women reported parental pressure to produce grandchildren. However, they consider their parents a major influence in their attitudes toward child-bearing.
Pettway comes from a large family, and White says her parents had children at a relatively young age. Baumgartner’s parents urged her to be independent and pursue her education.
Robbin Grayson, a licensed professional counselor asked to observe the discussion, said later that families subconsciously establish patterns for their children.
“My folks got married older and had children older, and I think that was just a given for me,” she says. “Families have norms or rules that are never spoken. And we tend to unconsciously fall into them unless we make a conscious decision to do something different.”
So how do we raise our daughters? Should we take away their dolls because they might send the wrong message, or is there something we can say that might ease the pressure later?
“If they want dolls, you give them dolls,” the counselor says. “Don’t restrict their role saying, `Little girls can’t do that.’ You also want to give some realistic messages.”
Let them know what their choices are, she says, but prepare them for the difficulty they may face in making those choices. The ability to bear children may not define a woman. But it can affect nearly every area of her life, from choosing a mate to choosing a career. When that ability is taken away, it can lead to grief and cause some women to question their femininity.