What a fool I was to think I’d stop getting business press releases after I left the Trib’s financial desk a year ago.
They don’t arrive by the bagful like they used to. Alert press agents have updated their mailing lists, substituting Tom Cekay’s name for mine as financial editor.
But plenty of strays and duplicates still reach my desk, and I read them for old time’s sake.
Most have no news value (Category I) and are discarded. The newsy ones (Category II) are passed along so reporters can follow them up for stories.
Then there are the Category IIIs. These have no news content but are too wacky to throw away. I drag them out whenever I need a good chuckle . . . or a fast column during a short week.
Here are lowlights from this year’s Category III file, broken into the appropriate subcategories:
III (a) Rip your heart out, Mario Brothers.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, Oyster Bay, N.Y., Nov. 9, 1993-After generating the largest first-week sales of any video game in history with the Sept. 13 multinational launch of Mortal Kombat, Acclaim Entertainment Inc. (NASDAQ: AKLM) executives confirmed today that the company has shipped more than 3 million units of the popular martial arts title worldwide. . . . “We are extremely proud of our achievement,” says Robert Holmes, president of Acclaim.
III (b) Government news you already knew.
From: U.S. Department of Commerce Public Information Office. Headline: “Large companies dominate nation’s business, Census Bureau reports.” The pitch: While large companies made up less than 1 percent of the 3.9 million companies covered in the economic census, they accounted for almost half the sales and receipts.
From: U.S. Deartment of Housing and Urban Development. Headline: “Chicago-area renters report more neighborhood problems than do owners, Census Bureau-HUD survey says.”
III (c) News from academe: Rich get richer.
From: University of California at San Diego News. Headline: “Lack of economic progress among some ethnic groups tied to low quality of `ethnic capital,’ ” says UC San Diego economist. The pitch: “His research suggests that an individual’s ability to succeed economically may be hampered or facilitated by an external factor, namely the economic and social performance of the previous generation.”
III (d) Nice guys finish last.
NEWS RELEASE. Headline: “Business is war . . . prepare to win!” Theme of 1993 APICS International Conference. The pitch: “Business should be approached as though one is a warrior,” said Mel Nelson, conference chairman.
III (e) Nice guys finish first.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. From: Covenant Investment Management. Headline: “Study links financial performance to responsible corporate behavior. The pitch: “An 18-month study released . . . by Covenant Investment Management Inc. of Chicago shows that responsible companies enjoy superior long-term stock-market performance.”
III (f) Easy for them to say.
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From: Goodrich and Sherwood Co., the nation’s largest full-service human-resources consulting firm. Headline: “Advice to job seekers: Don’t let turndowns get you down.” The pitch: “If you’ve been turned down a few times in your job search, don’t get discouraged . . . Shake off your depression and take a close, critical look at yourself.”
III (g) National centers leaning right.
ADVANCE FOR RELEASE. From: National Center for Policy Analysis, Dallas. Headline: Guns used more to prevent crimes than to cause them, study says. The pitch: “People use guns as many as 1 million times a year to prevent crimes-more often than criminals use them to commit crimes, according to a study …”
MEDIA ADVISORY. From: National Center for Public Policy Research, Washington, D.C. Headline: “Humans must die to save planet, say some so-called environmentalists.” The pitch: “Some so-called environmentalists advocate large-scale eradication of human beings as a means of protecting the environment, according to the National Center for …”
So there you have them, the best of this year’s diminished crop.
Note to press agents: Keep your client’s name out of next year’s file! Update your media list today!