Considering that he has never pilfered public funds, molested little children, rioted in the streets or been accused of hanging around with aldermen, Jerry Krause is just about the most abused public figure in Chicago.
As sports fan know, he’s the general manager of the Bulls. As they also know, he is kind of stupid, sly, a schnook, a slob and a sneak. But mostly stupid.
The fans are aware of these defects because they have read about them in the sports pages, especially those of that struggling, yappy little paper. In those mini-pages, Krause is almost always mentioned with the word stupid attached to his name.
Oh, and his physical appearance too. He’s a homely little guy, short, pear-shaped, in rumpled clothes that look like they came from a resale shop. The critical sportswriters-all of whom are tall, lean, muscular look-alikes for Robert Redford-find his looks revolting.
He also lacks character. The proof is he doesn’t share his innermost thoughts with the sportswriters. He often conceals information from them. Even more shocking, he shuns them.
This is offensive to the sportswriters, who are known for their intellectual honesty, deep sense of fairness and compassion for their fellow man.
Have I left out anything about this foul creature? Ah, yes, he is also a fawning yes-man who obeys his boss, the team owner. This is in sharp contrast to the sportswriters at the mini-paper, who regularly tell their editor that they would rather be homeless than taint their integrity.
Krause’s reputation is so low that during celebrations honoring the Bulls, even the locker room sweeper was cheered. But Krause? The fans jeered, hooted and snickered. Yes, they had read what an undeserving klutz he is.
I’ve never met the man. But based on what I had read about him, I made up my mind that if we ever met, I would punch his nose. Someone so vile deserved nothing less.
That might seem unfair, but I can’t dispute the word of those sportswriters, all of whom have advanced degrees in psychology and economics, which qualifies them to analyze the psyche of sports figures and pass judgment on the fiscal follies of franchises. And, of course, they’ve all won Pulitzer Prizes as well as the praise of their mommies.
But lately I’ve had second thoughts. While I don’t doubt that Krause is as loathsome as he’s been described in the mini-sheet, I’m considering the possibility that he is one of the world’s luckiest bumblers. Or maybe an idiot savant, one of those strange people who don’t know what they’re doing, but manage to do it brilliantly anyway.
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First, there’s the three straight championships by a team that Krause put together. True, he had Michael Jordan, but there have been other great players on teams that didn’t win even one title. Krause somehow bumbled into a winning combination.
But more puzzling is the arrival of this new player, Toni Kukoc.
As Bulls fans will recall, Krause the stupid spent much of the last few years trying to persuade Kukoc to leave his European team and come to Chicago.
This infuriated the writers at the postcard-paper. Why, they demanded, was Krause the stupid wasting his time in Europe, buttering up a foreign geek, when more urgent matters should be attended to here?
I’m not sure what these urgent matters were, or that Krause should have handled them, since his legendary stupidity would guarantee that he’d goof them up anyway.
Besides, they said, who needs this foreigner? They knew for a fact that he was skinny, weak, slow, clumsy and almost a cinch to be a sad joke if he lurched into the Chicago Stadium.
Well, based on what they wrote about Kukoc, I was prepared to call the Immigration and Naturalization Service and demand that he be stopped at the port of entry, charged with being subversive and shipped back to the Old Country. And that he take Krause the stupid with him.
But something weird has happened. As we all know, Michael Jordan quit. Scottie Pippen has a sore ankle. The future is bleak.
And there on the court is Krause’s pet, Kukoc the skinny, the weak, the slow and clumsy.
To my surprise and the delight of the spectators, he can actually bounce the ball, pass it, and toss it through a hoop. And he manages to lope up and down the court without tripping over the scorer’s table.
He even helped the Bulls win a couple of games they were expected to lose. And while it is early in the season, some sportswriters in other cities are saying that he appears to have the makings of a star.
I just don’t understand how someone like Krause the stupid could deliver someone like Kukoc just when the Bulls need him. Or how Kukoc the clumsy could suddenly turn out to be a fine player.
Maybe the Krause-Kukoc bashers will explain it soon. Or maybe they will swallow their tongues.