A cheerful young lady called and said: “Hi, this is the Hard Rock Cafe. We just read your column, so we’re inviting you to come over and try our veggie burger.”
She was referring to the column I wrote heaping disgust and ridicule on the anti-beef fanatics who are trying to bully McDonald’s into adding a vegetable burger to their menu.
I asked the caller if the Hard Rock Cafe is the place where they blast hard rock music.
“Yes, have you been here?”
No, and I must decline your invitation. I can’t enjoy a meal while my eardrums are vibrating violently.
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“Well, we have the veggie burgers to go. And, honest, they’re very good.”
So I sent someone over to buy a few of the veggie burgers, and I grabbed four of my co-workers and formed a taste-test panel.
All are lovers of traditional hamburgers. None knew what they were being asked to eat.
But before giving results, some facts on the Hard Rock veggie burger:
According to their menu, the patty is made of ground vegetables, rice and nuts and is grilled.
They serve it on a good bun, with a slice of red onion, lettuce and tomato. It is accompanied by fries.
The price is $6.53 with tax.
Now for the test results.
First, I asked each of them to take one bite of their burgers. They did and said the following:
– “Something very strange here.”
– “I like the onion. Good onion. But what is the other stuff?”
– “Uh, do I have to eat this whole thing?”
– “Is it OK if I don’t swallow? I don’t like to swallow something that tastes funny if I don’t know what it is.”
Next, I asked them to open their burgers, remove the onion, tomato and lettuce, and try the burger patty itself.
Their comments:
– “Ooh, that looks gross. It looks disgusting. Ahhh, it tastes disgusting, all grainy.”
– “It’s some kind of mush. Mush with an unpleasant aftertaste. I don’t like mush with or without an aftertaste.”
– “Why are you doing this to me?”
– “Believe me, this will not fly on Maxwell Street.”
I thanked them and they said they would thank me to omit them from any future taste tests.
Then I ate my veggie burger. And I liked it. Of course, I took the precaution of removing the veggie patty, taking one bite of it, gagging a bit, and tossing it away, which left me with a tomato, onion and lettuce sandwich that was quite good.
However, I don’t think that at $6.53-with or without the veggie patty-it was much of a bargain. Even with the fries.
Because I don’t food-shop, I can’t say what it costs to make a small, thin patty of ground vegetables, a bit of rice and nuts.
But I called someone who does a lot of vegetable shopping: Pat Sass, the keeper of the Great Ape House in the Lincoln Park Zoo.
Because gorillas are vegetarians, I figured Sass would know what they eat and how much it costs to feed them.
He used Frank, an imposing 27-year-old 336-pound gorilla, as a dietary example.
In the morning, Frank has some apples and oranges. Later in the day, he eats a head of lettuce, several stalks of celery, a head of escarole, some onions, lots of spinach and carrots, a few biscuits of something called monkey chow, maybe some sweet potatoes and, as a special weekly treat, string beans. “He loves string beans,” Sass said.
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Sass wasn’t sure how much it costs to stuff all those vegetables and fruits into Frank because he buys in large quantities for all of his beasties.
“But I suppose that I could feed Frank on $10 a day,” he said. “No problem.”
However, the person who does the purchasing for the zoo later called and said: “No, I think Pat is mistaken. He might be able to get by on $10, but in reality it costs about $35 a day to feed a full-sized gorilla.”
Either way-$10 or $35-we’re not dealing in big bucks when you consider that we’re talking about feeding a couple of bushels of assorted vegetables to a 336-pound creature.
Let’s use the $35 figure. That would buy you only 5.3 of the Hard Rock cafe’s veggie burgers.
Now, even with the fries, if you fed Big Frank the Gorilla those 5.3 veggie burgers a day, you would end up with the world’s skinniest gorilla.
He would be so gaunt that if you took him to the Hard Rock Cafe and shoved a guitar in his paws, the patrons would probably surround him and plead for his autograph.
And if he had the strength to emit a gorilla shriek, they’d rush to the nearest music store and ask if his latest album is available.
So after the taste test, I can’t recommend the Hard Rock Cafe’s veggie burger.
And if you are a budget-conscious consumer, you’d be much better off going to the zoo and lunching with Big Frank.