“How about we take a walk,” said Slats Grobnik. “Get a little exercise.”
On a day like this? Cold, damp, miserable? No, thanks. If you want exercise, walk to the other end of the bar and get that bowl of free pretzels.
“C’mon, it would be invigorating. Maybe four or five miles.”
Have you lost your mind? Before I walk five miles, I would have to take a complete physical, then go in my closet and dig out my Dr. Scholl’s arch supports.
“We can see the sights. Maybe walk out to the West Side.”
And get my head cracked and be relieved of my watch, wallet and fake-silver ballpoint pen? What has come over you?
“I was just making a scientific test. You are the 20th guy I’ve done that to in the last couple of days. And I have discovered that 100 percent of them are normal, sensible human beings.”
In what regard?
“They think it is a stupid idea to go walking around the streets of Chicago in rotten, cold, lousy weather.”
Of course it is. The only people who think otherwise are exercise-obsessed yuppies who run outside on the foulest of days in the belief that they will extend their life spans by 5 minutes and maybe meet an equally deranged yuppie female.
“That’s right. Like my father always said, never stand when you can sit, and never walk when you can ride.”
I assume there is a point to all of this.
“Yeah, the point is, Chicago cops ain’t stupid.”
Who said they are?
“A lot of people in the media must think they are.”
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Why do you say that?
“Because the media seemed to be surprised that when the department asked for a couple of hundred volunteers to pound the sidewalks, they only got about three dozen.”
Ah, you are referring to the controversial, hotly-debated, new law enforcement concept known as community policing.
“Yeah, that’s what they call it now. Community policing. Except it ain’t new. It is very old. It used to be known as walking a beat. It was what cops did before the car was invented, except for the ones who rode on horses. And it was still what a lot of cops did even after the car was invented. Then some experts said, let’s put all the cops in cars and they can talk on radios and zoom around and catch more crooks.”
True, until the police department was modernized, the beat cop was a familiar part of the urban scene.
“Right. So now some other experts come along and say: `Hey, we got a great new idea. Have cops walk around some neighborhoods. Get to know the people. Develop stoolies. Keep an eye peeled for what punks are into dope dealing and who the wife beaters are. And they can catch more crooks than if they are zooming around in cars. See, that’s one of the ways you get to be an expert and a high-priced consultant. When you can’t think of something new, you invent something old and give it a new name. Instead of pounding a beat, it is called community policing.”
True, there are very few volunteers. So they will have to assign recruits fresh out of the police academy to this work. But there are those who attribute the few veteran volunteers as a sign of police hostility toward Mayor Daley.
“Yeah. But I think it is more a sign that cops have got enough sense to know that riding in a squad car, with the heater on and a partner to keep you company is a lot more comfortable than hoofing around city streets all by yourself and getting corns on your toes.”
There might be something in what you say.
“Sure. And people forget how a lot of coppers used to get picked to walk a beat.”
And that reason was?
“Somebody got mad at ’em. A guy got out of line, goofed up, or didn’t have clout, and the next thing he knew, he was walking around and around a cemetery. Cemeteries were always the worst, especially if you were superstitious. And then there is the really worst thing about walking a beat.”
Snow?
“Even worse than that. You might have to chase somebody, which means you will have to run. If you took a survey of 1,000 cops and asked them to give you 10 reasons why they joined the police department, how many of them would say: `I became a cop because I like to run.’?”
Very few, I would wager.
“That’s right. So who expects some guy who has been riding in a squad car for 10 years to say: `Oh, boy, here is a real terrific career opportunity. I get to spend a shift walking mile after mile in the snow, or when it is hot and humid, and if I see somebody snatch a purse or cave in a store window, I get to run after him and give myself a real cardiovascular workout. How can I pass this up?’ “
But there were about three dozen volunteers. How do you explain that?
“It could be that they had squad car partners who didn’t use a deodorant. Or maybe they have weird habits themselves.”
Weird? In what way?
“They could be joggers.”