Letters, calls, complaints and great thoughts from readers:
Betty Kelly, Chicago: I am shocked that you used the word “hooters” as a term for women’s breasts. Are you going out of your way to offend women? If so, you have surely succeeded.
Not only should your editor remove you as a columnist, you should be totally banned from journalism in any capacity. It is men like you who bring so much grief to women.
Comment: Actually, I didn’t use that word; it was Dr. I.M. Kookie, the noted expert on lots of stuff. I have reprimanded him and told him never to do it again. He expressed great remorse and contrition and said that from now on he will use the word “spuds.”
Marie Calcagno, Chicago: Hooters? I am sick of that word. I’m sick of all the names for breasts. Breasts are breasts, ya’ know? It used to be “jugs.” What’s next? What new words will they use in the year 2000?
Comment: I don’t see why we would need new words. A glance at the Random House Dictionary of American Slang gives us a vast selection that should last for 1,000 years: “Boobs, boobies, kajoobies, bubs, bubbies, knockers, bazooms, torpedoes, babaloos, cans, jugs, eyes, brown eyes, big brown eyes, globes, headlights, knobs, lungs, maracas, mamas, upper frontal superstructure, racks, tonsils, bags, teacups, plates, basoongies, basongas, breastworks, cantaloupes, melons, twins, pair, peach of a pair, apples, lemons, oranges, grapefruits, watermelons, milk bottles, pumps, hooters, orbs, balloons, sweater full, bra busters, front bumpers, endowed, chichi, droopers, pillows.” If this list offends any females, check out the Dictionary of Slang for various descriptions of the male appendage. (It begins with P, in case you are stumped.) There are more than 100 words or phrases. That is really making a mountain out of a mole hill.
David DeSpain, Godfrey, Ill.: If my employer caught me taking money from a customer to do a special favor, I’d be fired. Why don’t we call the political campaign contributions that congressmen get by their real name: bribery.
Comment: Remember, in some lines of work, you can accept a gratuity. It is known as a “tip.” So maybe we should think of political campaign contributions as tips. But I’m not sure how much we’d tip a waiter if he served you a meal, then ate it himself.
Jeff Wilson, San Jose, Calif.: You wrote that handguns are the single biggest source of stupid violence. When are you going to wake up?
Handguns are the single biggest source of violence like matches are the single biggest cause of arson. If we are to follow your idea of rational thought, the penis is the single biggest cause of homosexuality.
The handgun is only a tool. It is only as good or as bad as the person using it and how it is being used. Deviants who misuse the tool are the problem, not the tool.
Are you an imbecile or a communist? Where do you get these crazy, irrational, imbecilic thoughts?
Comment: I don’t know, maybe it’s just a natural gift.
Ralph Balong, Carol Stream: Regarding your column that sympathized with a woman who lost her homeowners insurance because she owned a dog that was part pit bull.
You did not do your usual good investigative work. I enclose an article showing that the English do not take the danger of pit bulls lightly.
Because of savage attacks by that breed, all pit bulls in England must be tattooed, neutered, have a microchip implanted in their necks, and are covered by third-party insurance.
Comment: Not a bad idea. But in this country, why limit the tattoos, neutering and microchip-implanting to pit bulls? At least 50 million Americans would qualify.
Mary H. Cowan, Camp Hill, Pa.: For 12 years, I chortled at your cracks about Ronald Reagan and George Bush because they were well deserved.
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But now I think Bill Clinton is an earnest, sincere young man who is exercising his considerable intelligence to reverse course and prevent fiscal disaster.
So tell me, is there some rule for you columnists, that you are required to sneer at whoever is occupying the White House?
Comment: I will stop snickering, snorting and sneering at Bill Clinton when he becomes a true statesman-in other words, when he can lie without getting caught.
William F. Johnson, Hempstead, N.Y.: If you think about it, there is good reason for middle-age white males to be hated.
They believed that only they could become presidents, senators, generals, admirals, mayors, heads of corporations, firemen, store managers, pilots, scientists, doctors, lawyers, utility bosses, judges, run airports, and so on.
If you were a white male, it was taken for granted that you were the best in the business.
The minorities and women were given no recognition at all.
So who do you blame for a $4 trillion debt and wars that have killed millions? And a very dangerous ecology.
Think about it, white male that you are!
Comment: I will concede that middle-age white men are not without sin, but let me point out that middle-age white men have one of the world’s lowest crime rates. Unless provoked, we are really peaceful coots. In contrast, we have Cambodia, Somalia, Afghanistan, Haiti and many other nations that are not run by middle-age white men, but persist in human slaughter. So why not pick on them? Get out there, give them hell. Or would that be insensitive?
Art McClaren, Youngstown, Ohio: One of the most reprehensible characters in Washington is Dan Rostenkowski. Lynching is too good for him.
Comment: Lynching is too good? So, you want to spank his fanny?