Every day I learn something new about ”traditional family values,” one of this year`s trendiest political issues.
My latest lesson came from Charles Black, a senior adviser to the Bush campaign.
He told a gathering at the Republican convention that family values include the right of children to have voluntary prayer in public schools.
This surprised me, since I thought that children already had that right. And that they have always had it.
When I was a lad in public schools, it was not uncommon for some of us to sit and offer up silent prayers that Mrs. Purvis would not call on us to answer questions about the reading assignment because we hadn`t read it.
I know for a fact that Slats Grobnik prayed all the way through high school that he would have a carnal experience before he reached the age of 30. So when school begins next month, millions of public school children will be praying. Some will pray that they don`t get pimples. Others that they will pass an algebra test.
True, under our laws, the teachers can`t lead the children in formal, organized prayer or set aside time for this purpose. But why should they? For all a parent knows, that teacher might be a member of a secret cult that worships parking meters or some such false idol. Is that the kind of person they want giving their child religious guidance?
And it is especially difficult at a time when churches of all faiths have fallen upon hard times, with collections and donations down because of the recession and the flighty nature of today`s young people. Are Republicans in favor of churches shutting down and preachers being put out of work because of unfair competition from the schools?
Besides, any theologian will tell you that for a prayer to be valid, it isn`t necessary for it to be uttered aloud at a given time or place, including the schools.
I recently discussed this with Dr. I.M. Kookie, a noted expert on a lot of stuff, including religion.
He said: ”No, you don`t have to pray out loud. In fact, it is better if you don`t.”
Why is that?
”Well, what if you are praying that the teacher will let you go to the bathroom so you can sneak a smoke? You wouldn`t want her to hear you say that, would you?”
I suppose not. But what about the proper demeanor while praying. Is it necessary for your head to be bowed, your hands clasped, and the prayer whispered or muttered?
”Not at all. You can pray while looking at the ceiling with your eyes crossed. Or while you are hanging upside down on the monkey bars in the school yard. The Lord won`t mind.”
How do you know he won`t mind?
”Because he hasn`t said she minds. And until he sends word, it must be OK. And if she minded, why did he make some people cross-eyed and create monkey bars?”
That`s true. But I notice you refer to the Lord as he and as she. Can you explain that?
”Sure. We are created in his image, right?”
So it is said.
”Well, that can mean a lot of things. Maybe he looks like you, bald, a little overweight, a big beak, beady eyes with bags under them.”
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I`d be flattered.
”Or maybe the Lord looks like Jane Fonda.”
An interesting thought.
”Or a New York bag lady.”
An even more interesting thought.
”How about a midget?”
Possibly, but I can`t picture the Lord as a midget, especially if he is wielding his mighty and swift sword.
”It could be a little sword. But for the sake of this discussion, let us assume that the Lord looks like Ronald Reagan.”
That would please Republicans.
”OK, a nice-guy Lord, and he is sitting up there in his heavenly quarters, a California-style mansion with a good view of the universe. And one of his aides comes in and drops a stack of prayer memos on his desk for him to answer. He picks up the top memo and looks at it. It is from a kid who is praying that the school lunch is not the same old bland macaroni and cheese. But the prayer memo says that the kid was picking his nose when he silently made it. Now, what do you think the Lord is going to say?”
Use a handkerchief, I would imagine.
”Nah, what kind of understanding is that? He would know that kids can be disgusting little buggers because he made them that way. So if it is a Ronald Reagan kind of Lord, he gives a little chuckle and says: `I don`t like bland macaroni and cheese myself. Switch that kid`s lunch to pizza.` ”
Do you really believe that?
”Why not? Unless the Lord is black, in which case he might make it fried chicken. Of course, if the Lord is a black Democratic liberal, that would mean he believes in political correctness and would not order up fried chicken because that is a stereotype, even though it tastes better than macaroni and cheese. But there are other possibilities.”
Such as?
”Maybe he or she isn`t listening. So it wouldn`t matter if the kid prays silently or if the whole class jumps up and down and yells hallelujah. They`re stuck with the macaroni and cheese, which might explain why school lunches taste the way they do.”
Do you think that is possible that he isn`t listening?
”Well, they start off these political convention sessions with a prayer, don`t they?”
I believe so.
”And what do they pray for?”
Wisdom. Yes, wisdom has always been in demand.
”I think that answers your question.”