”I like this Republican pitch about bringing back traditional family values,” said Slats Grobnik. ”Yeah, those were the good old days.”
What good old days are you talking about?
”When my wife zipped her lip.”
What kind of family values are you talking about?
”Hey, don`t you remember? There was a time when a guy could give his old lady a whack in the head without having it turned into a federal case.”
You condone wife abuse?
”Well, not every day. I`m no insensitive mug, you know. Only when it`s needed to keep peace and quiet in the family. And in the good old days of family values, a woman didn`t run out and get a lawyer and break up the family.”
That`s true, the divorce rate used to be much lower.
”Sure, because she knew what side her bread was buttered on. She`d have to go out and get a job. But there weren`t lots of jobs for women, so she took her lumps like a man or a good woman and kept the family together.”
A heart-warming observation.
”Yeah. A guy used to go to work, come home, and supper was on the table. Or if he wanted to stop for a few pops after work, that was his right, right?”
I`m not sure there is anything in the Bill of Rights about the happy hour.
”It should be. Now what ya` got? My kid comes home from work. Does his wife have dinner on the table? Not a chance. It ain`t gonna be on the table until he puts it there because sometimes she works longer hours than him, so he has to share in the cooking. And you know what else she does? Sometimes she stops with the girls after work.”
Uh, they don`t like being called girls.
”Yeah, I know. Or Doll, or Baby, or Honey, or Cutie Pie. And you can`t even say a babe is a bimbo even if she is a bimbo.”
Of course not. You should not be making moral judgments.
”See? You don`t believe in traditional family values. In the good old days, we was always making moral judgments. Like if there was a chick in the neighborhood and she was what we used to call `easy,` then we used to call her a bimbo or even a slut. Now, there`s a word you never hear anymore. Slut. But back when we had traditional family values, we called a spade a spade and a slut a slut.”
Some people might say that was cruel.
”Hey, sometimes you needed a little cruelty to keep those traditional family values going. Like if you had a kid who didn`t have no respect. So you might have to whack him around a little. That was your business. Now you might get some busybody calling up some social worker outfit, and the next thing you know, you`re in court for a child-abuse rap. Or maybe your own kid will sue you. How can you have family values when you can`t even use your own property the way you want?”
But there are those who don`t consider a wife or a child as property.
”Yeah, that`s because of the liberals. It was the liberals who made it so I can`t give my wife a jolt when she needs it. Now if I do it, she`s out the door. And she can get a job. If she was younger, she could even become a cop or a fireman, instead of staying home and cooking my supper and ironing my shirts like God meant her to do. And, poof, there goes the family, and the values. Jeez, she could even get to be a bartender.”
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What`s wrong with that?
”You got a short memory, pal. What was it, about 25 years ago, a woman couldn`t tend bar in Chicago? Not unless her father or husband owned the joint. Then the liberals stuck there noses in, and the law was changed, and you go in a joint now and you can`t even swear the way you want to because there is a babe behind the bar. Like that one over there.”
There`s nothing wrong with that woman being a bartender. She has a child to support.
”Yeah, and I happen to know that the kid ain`t legit.”
That is none of your concern.
”Well, in the good old days of family values it would have been my concern. Everybody in the neighborhood would have been giving her and her kid the old fish eye. And it would have said on the kid`s birth certificate that he wasn`t legit.”
Another cruel practice that was eliminated.
”Yeah, it got changed because of more heat from the troublemaking liberals. By the way, I happen to know that she`s shacking up with that guy at the end of the bar.”
Who is?
”That female bartender. The unwed mother, as we used to call them.”
Yes, they live together. They have been for a long time. It is nothing unusual, and they seem quite happy. By the way, people don`t refer to it as shacking up anymore.
”See? In the days of traditional family values it was called shacking up. And you sure wouldn`t invite somebody like them over to the house for pinochle. And that kid would be the biggest disgrace in the schoolyard. Those were the days.”
I really doubt that many Americans want a return to those sorts of traditional family values.
”Then what kind of values are the Republicans talking about?”
I`m not sure. Maybe something along the lines of the old Andy Hardy movies.
”The ones with Mickey Rooney?”
Yes, he played Andy Hardy.
”Then I`m all for those traditional values. He was a great guy.”
Yes, Andy Hardy was a fine character.
”Nah. I meant Mickey Rooney. He had six wives. He knew how to treat
`em.”