The couple in the first-floor flat plays the radio too loud. Or maybe they don`t. But the guy in the second-floor flat thinks it`s too loud, and gets even by jumping up and down. The couple in the first-floor flat retaliates by whacking the ceiling with a broom handle.
So they beef to the landlord, and it is his job to resolve the dispute. That is a heavy responsibility that goes with owning a three-flat.
He tells the couple on the first floor not to play the radio too loud. They say they aren`t playing it too loud. So he tells them to play even less not too loud.
And he tells the guy on the second floor to stop jumping up and down, and he denies jumping. The landlord says, good, but don`t even hop or skip.
The landlord hopes the matter is resolved. It`s enough worrying about plumbing, the furnace, the roof, insurance, taxes, and the sump pump, without loud radios and up and down jumping.
But once these kinds of feuds begin, they have a way of escalating. Once again, the radio is too loud. Or maybe it isn`t, but the guy upstairs thinks it is and resumes jumping. Plaster falls. So downstairs, they bang the ceiling with the broom handle.
Then it gets really serious. The guy upstairs calls the police about the loud radio. A few weeks later, the downstairs couple call the police and accuse the guy upstairs of throwing an egg on their car.
So the landlord again talks to downstairs and upstairs. He goes back and forth, like a labor negotiator. But there is only so much he can do. He knows that when eggs fly and the police are called, there can be no lasting peace.
Finally, he tells both parties that if they can`t get along in his building, maybe they should think about moving.
It isn`t easy for him to say that because the downstairs couple, with the radio, have been there for 10 years and pay their rent on time and keep the place clean.
And the guy upstairs, the alleged egg thrower, has been there more than two years and pays promptly and even redecorated the flat with paint the landlord bought.
Nobody wants to move. It`s not the fanciest city neighborhood-Irving and Sheridan-but the building is clean, the apartments big, and the rent is $560, which is not a bad deal.
But the landlord says: ”I have done all I can do.”
Finally the alleged jumper and egg thrower sends the landlord a note saying he will be moving at the end of the month. And he does.
The landlord hopes that he will now have peace. And in a simpler age, he would have. But not in this litigation-crazed age.
As soon as the tenant was out, he got a lawyer and marched over to the Chicago Commission on Human Relations and filed a complaint.
He said the landlord had discriminated against him because he was gay. And that, he said, is why the landlord hadn`t resolved his differences with the first-floor couple.
As he said in his complaint, the landlord told him: ”If you`re so unhappy, why don`t you just move out? There is nothing I can do.”
Which the landlord admits. What the hell could he do with feuding tenants?
The landlord was told by the commission to come downtown for an interview and to bring copies of all leases, all letters, all rent records, and a list of all gay, lesbian and disabled tenants.
The interview lasted about two hours, with the landlord trying to explain that it was a dispute between feuding tenants, and he did the best he could, but when people act crazy, what can he do? He`s a landlord, not a shrink.
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A month later, he was notified that the complaint had been amended. It was now more serious because it accused him of ”constructive eviction.” That meant that he threw the guy out, even though he hadn`t.
And a month after that, he was called in for a ”conciliation” hearing. But it turned out that it wasn`t very conciliatory.
The landlord was told that there was ”substantial evidence” to support the discrimination and eviction charge.
So the hearing officer advised the landlord to save himself a lot of hassle by settling.
How much? the landlord asked.
The guy formerly upstairs-the alleged jumper-said he wanted $4,500 to cover the cost of moving, paying more rent in his new place, and the grief he endured.
Absolutely not, said the landlord. It wasn`t like his building had rats and roaches. He vowed to fight.
Brave, but foolish. We have all sorts of federal, state and local commissions looking out for those who are victims, real or imagined. And they usually give the edge to the alleged victim.
”So we paid the $4,500,” the landlord says. ”It would have ended up costing us a lot more than that because we would have had to pay their legal fees and extra damages and God knows what? Those commission bureaucrats told us as much. Of course, if I won, he wouldn`t have had to pay my lawyer. So I`m stuck with legal fees either way.
”And the thing is, I didn`t do anything wrong. I couldn`t care less about sexual orientation. I`m a social worker. I support gay rights.
”But what are you going to do? You get in front of one of these commissions, and you`re the rich landlord against the downtrodden. So you pay.”
All because of a radio that was too loud, or maybe it wasn`t.
”Next time, I should rent to someone who is deaf,” the landlord says.
Uh-uh. That should be ”hearing impaired.” Or even ”differently audibalized.” Careful what you say, or the next hurt-feelings complaint might cost you a million.