It could be that your phone rang recently and a man said something like:
”Hello, my name is John and I`m from Project Uplift with Elite Forces of the 173rd Airborne Brigade.
”At Project Uplift, we work to improve the lives of disadvantaged children.”
If you are a good soul, those last two words twang your heartstrings:
Disadvantaged children. Who doesn`t want to improve the lives of disadvantaged children?
The caller goes on: ”We`re not asking for contributions. But we are having our annual trash bag and American flag sale. Your purchase will help disadvantaged children attend our camp in Wisconsin and particpate in a T-ball league.”
So, you ask, how can I help these kids? And the caller explains. They`ll deliver the sale item and pick up the money. Any amount helps those disadvantaged kids: $10, $20, $30 or $40. Whatever you can spare.
If you ask about the ”Elite Forces of the 173rd Airborne Brigade” that he mentioned, he`ll explain that they are Vietnam vets who have formed a charity to make life better for kids.
OK, you say, I`ll do it. Before long, a delivery truck brings you the garbage bags ($40) or, if you are feeling pinched these days, some golf tees
($10).
And you have earned the warm feeling of having helped patriots help disadvantaged kids.
Actually, you haven`t. What you`ve done is contribute to the economic well-being of those in the fundraising business. Including a sad sack such as Joe.
Joe was one of the phone hustlers. He also is one of life`s losers. He used to have a good trade, a wife, a home, a car. But he was a boozer, and he lost it all.
So now he takes jobs where he can get them. And for a while, he was on the phone making the above pitch. But he got in a quarrel because he thought he wasn`t getting his cut and was bounced.
That`s when he called me and said: ”They ain`t helping kids. They`re just helping themselves.”
So I inquired. And Joe the loser appears to have been truthful.
This particular charity, if you want to call it that, operates out of a store-front office in Brookfield. About a dozen hired hands work the phones.
It calls itself Outreach System, and it`s in the fundraising business.
Out of every $1 it raises, it keeps 90 cents. That covers the cost of the cheap merchandise it peddles, the commission for the phone hustlers, the rent, the phones, and a profit for the owners.
Which leaves one thin dime for the charity.
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In this case, the charity is something that calls itself Operation Uplift, which is run by a group of men who claim to have been members of the 173rd Airborne Brigade.
They`re the ones who are helping the disadvantaged kids. In one of their fundraising letters, they tell how they do this:
”We have . . . purchased about 20 acres of land on the Wisconsin River in Wisconsin for a youth camp for disadvantaged children.
”Here, we make dreams come true. We give these children, ages 8 through 16, the chance to get out of the inner city, learn how to enjoy and live with nature.”
As the letter says, they still have a long way to go. They must raise money to pay off the land, put up new buildings, and get the place ship-shape. So give what you can.
So how many disadvantaged kids have been up to this youth camp on the Wisconsin River, having their ”dreams come true.”
The fundraisers in the Brookfield office didn`t know. Their business is to get on the phone and ask for money. After they take their 90 percent cut, the kids are somebody else`s job. Namely, those do-gooder veterans of the 173rd Brigade.
We called their office and asked how things are going at the camp. How many disadvantaged city kids are communing with nature along the wooded shores of the Wisconsin River?
After some hemming and hawing, the treasurer of this organization admitted that the kids aren`t communing with nature.
”There is no camp. But we own five acres, and we`re planning on building one.”
But the solicitation letter says that you ”make dreams come true.” It sounds like it`s already running full blast.
”There is a well on the land, and we have that going. And two toilets. And we`re planning on other construction.”
Ah, but the Wisconsin authorities say you have not applied for building permits.
”No. We don`t have the money.”
But the telephone solicitors are telling people the camp already exists.
”I don`t know what they tell them. I haven`t sat down and listened to the pitch.”
Well, the pitch also includes something about a T-ball league. It goes this way: ”We have recently formed a T-ball league headquartered in Schaumburg for handicapped children. Billy Willians, former Chicago Cub and Hall of Fame member, has graciously consented to be commissioner of the league.”
So, how`s the T-ball league going?
”At the time that was written,” the 173rd Brigade treasurer said, ”it was in the works. But there is no league. The Special Olympics people couldn`t get us the kids.”
As for Billy Williams being the commissioner of the non-existent T-ball league, the charity treasurer wasn`t sure about that. ”Someone else in the group was working on it. I don`t remember who.”
So if you gave $10, the first $9 went the solicitors and the remaining $1 for the disadvantaged kids` camp and T-ball league. Except there isn`t a camp or league.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, I don`t think this is what he had in mind.