President Bush keeps insisting that Dan Quayle`s place on the Republican ticket is safe. Fine, but what if . . .
What if those Bush-Quayle poll ratings keep going down as the Republican convention nears? What if top Republican strategists become convinced that the guy who had trouble spelling ”potato” must go? What if Quayle commits another weird gaffe?
Do we really want him a heartbeat away from the nuclear buttone, uh, button?
Who should replace him? Here are some possibilities:
Marilyn Quayle
Job: Wife
Strengths: Can use already-printed Bush-Quayle bumper stickers. Good speller. Not just another pretty face.
Weaknesses: Makes Hillary Clinton look like a pussycat.
Clarence Thomas
Job: Supreme Court justice
Strengths: Black, conservative favorite, has shown strong anti-abortion rights stance in court opinions (ridding Bush of Quayle`s perceived wavering).
Weaknesses: Credibility problem lingers from confirmation hearing, virtually assuring Long Dong Silver as distracting campaign issue.
Colin Powell
Job: Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff
Strengths: War hero; black; no political baggage; hails from New York City, in a state heavy with electoral votes.
Weaknesses: War hero, black, no political experience, hails from New York City.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Job: Movie star
Strengths: Enormously popular, physically attractive, decisive image, assures support of key weightlifter and Austrian-ethnic voting blocs, married to a Kennedy family member, has perfect quip if defeated (”I`ll be back”).
Weaknesses: Thick accent and violent film clips could be negatives, along with constitutional ineligibility to serve as president (having not been born in the United States).
Jack Kemp
Job: Secretary of housing and urban development
Strengths: Attractive, smart, seasoned politician who relates to blacks;
former pro quarterback with jock appeal.
Weaknesses: Formerly in White House doghouse for pushing too hard on his
”vision thing” and is clearly more articulate than Bush.
James Baker
Job: Secretary of state/campaign director in waiting
Strengths: Foreign policy experience, proven seducer of Washington press corps, politically shrewd.
Weaknesses: Overshadows running mate with reputation as Bush`s Svengali;
needed far more to direct campaign and thus be Bush`s Svengali; next to Clinton-Gore, Bush-Baker look like Geritol poster boys.
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Jim Thompson
Job: Superlawyer
Strengths: Good at country fairs. Already knows everyone/everything. Experienced back-slapper.
Weaknesses: Might not want to take cut in salary, prestige, power.
Robert L. Walters
Job: Auto-parts salesman for family owned firm
Strengths: Won 1968 National Spelling Bee as 8th grader from Russell, Kan., by spelling ”abalone,” which really does end in ”e”; is an entrepreneur.
Weaknesses: Poor name recognition: nobody has heard of him since 1968.
Phyllis Schlafly
Job: Right-wing advocate
Strengths: Female, known for strong convictions, good speaker, name recognition, assures anti-abortion vote, drives liberals nuts.
Weaknesses: Female, controversial and thus divisive; shrillness may boost voter turnout of opponents.
Dee Snider
Job: Rock singer
Strengths: Leader of Twisted Sister band, he testified to Congress against Tipper Gore crusade to label violent and obscene rock lyrics, asserting he was Christian and family man; nomination displays Bush boldness in reaching out to crucial heavy-metal-music constituency.
Weaknesses: Long hair and tendency to go shirtless; anathema to right wing.
Barbara Bush
Job: First Grandma
Strengths: Unneeded VP mansion could be turned into a theme park-DeficitLand. Can share a room on the road with president. Has access to pillow talk.
Weaknesses: Public would insist that Republicans flop the ticket.
John F. Kennedy Jr. (”John-John”)
Job: Prosecutor for Manhattan district attorney`s office
Strengths: Cuter than Clinton and Gore. Gets Jackie back in the White House. Appeals to MTV generation.
Weaknesses: Would never do it.
Michael Jordan
Job: Basketball player
Strengths: World-renowned Olympic athlete; appeals to youth and minority voters; endorsements promote consumerism; would give Republicans advantage in tip-offs against Democrat Bill Bradley (white men can`t jump).
Weaknesses: Agent would demand at least $100,000 upfront before he would attend inauguration; basketball schedule may conflict with appearances on Larry King`s show.