Department of Graven Images: In Kentucky, a group out to save God`s manliness has demanded that the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary fire a female professor for daring to describe the Deity as anything but masculine.
”She wants to make Him sexless or female,” charged Austin S. Jones, leader of Concerned Baptist Laymen. His organization numbers six active participants, all male.
Wimmin used to just ask for equal pay for equal work; now they`re producing uppity theology.
Enough is enough. Certainly everybody in my part of the country knows that the Deity is not only male but Christian, Southern, a Democrat and probably a Rotarian.
But Seriously, Folks . . . surely the one divine attribute all can agree on is a sense of humor-else He (or She or It) would not have created Man.
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H.M.S. Thatcher Sighted in News: The word from London is that Margaret Thatcher, the regrettably former prime minister of Her Majesty`s Government, was accosted the other day at Marple Bridge, England-a name redolent of British doggedness itself. The culprit was described as someone who first offered Mrs. Thatcher a bunch of daffodils, and then began beating her about the head with the flowers. The Iron Lady was unhurt, of course; the woman who attacked her might as well have expected to sink the Queen Mary with a bouquet of posies. One hopes that afterward Mrs. Thatcher had a nice cup of tea with biscuit and went on her formidable way.
It`s a good thing the flower-wielder at Marple Bridge was a woman, or surely she would not have survived the encounter. The chivalrous Mrs. Thatcher has destroyed men in more ways than a naive American could ever imagine, but surely she would never touch a hair on a woman`s head. To use a Thatcherism, she has never gone wobbly. As the Queen`s erstwhile first minister told an American president at a critical juncture during the late unpleasantness in the Persian Gulf: ”George, now`s no time to go wobbly.” As usual, her advice was sound.
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”Who`s Really in the Middle Class?” asked a headline the other day. The best answer may have come from Roy Cordato of the Institute for Research on the Economics of Taxation: ”Middle income means whatever constituency Congress wants to appease at the moment.” That also goes for whatever group the president wants to benefit at the moment.
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It figures. Most Americans, if they must think about class at all (it may be our last taboo subject), would surely describe themselves as middle class regardless of a petty detail like income. Class is a way of thinking, not of spending.
The American middle class is not the European bourgeoisie, any more than Walt Whitman`s The People is the same as what a European means by The Masses. In this country, Middle Class isn`t a description of income but of a mentality. It`s not so much a financial rating as a social category that tends to share the same values and ambitions. Like the Elks or the PTA. Or, yes, The Americans. And what we share regardless of income is the American Dream, which isn`t only material.
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Campaigning by Investigating: If you liked Oliver Stone`s ”JFK,” you`ll love Congress` next big production number. Working title: ”Republican Conspiracy.”
The stated objective of this Really Big Show will be to find out if there was a plot on the part of the Reagan campaign 12 years ago to keep Americans hostage in Iran so Jimmy Carter wouldn`t win re-election by bringing them home. (That latter possibility came to be known as the much rumored but never produced October Surprise.)
With any luck, Democrats in Congress can extend the investigation right through this year`s election season-maybe even make it an arm of their campaign at public expense.
”Not so!” cry defenders of this investigation. Nevertheless, they`re not likely to propose a separate but equally well-funded investigation into suspicions that Jimmy Carter compromised the national interest and honor by dealing with Iran`s hostage-takers in hopes of gaining the Americans` release in time to help him win another presidential term.
All the Democratic majority in Congress is trying to do, it`s explained, is finally put to rest these rumors of a Republican conspiracy in 1980-by exploring and publicizing those rumors. Just the way the Warren Commission`s report ended all the conspiracy theories about John F. Kennedy`s
assassination, including Oliver Stone`s latest version on film.
Moral: Some folks don`t need a conspiracy in order to drum up a conspiracy theory-any more than they need a good reason to investigate the opposition just in time for a presidential election.