Oy, will Jackie Mason be mad if he finds out I gave away his material. So please, don`t read these jokes unless you see his show. Aggravation like that, I don`t need.
Sushi: ”It was created by two Jews. They were sitting around wondering, how can we create a restaurant without a kitchen?”
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Audiences: ”You know what`s going to happen after this show? The Gentiles are going to say he was a hit and the Jews are going to say, `Too Jewish.` ”
A Jewish president: ”We need a Jewish president. We need somebody who could show a profit for this country.”
Sex: ”There`s no sex in this show because I don`t believe in it. Why, did you ever catch me with a girl? Not me. Never! A boy? Once in a while. Not any boy. A Jewish boy. Not any Jewish boy. A doctor.”
Jews and bargains: ”It`s a lie to say all Jews pay wholesale. Some Jews never buy wholesale. You know why? They paid cost.”
Jews and tools: ”Jews don`t need a screwdriver. We have something that works better, a butter knife. You can always tell where a Jew put a screw in the wall. Take a close look at the screw. The cream cheese is still on it.”
Gentiles and liquor/Jews and food: ”Everybody who leaves this building who`s a Gentile is going to say the same thing: `Have a drink?` And every Jew will be saying the same thing, too. `Did you eat yet?` ”
Jewish muggers: ”There are Jewish muggers, but they`re not called muggers, they`re called lawyers.”
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From the albums ”Jackie Mason: The World According to Me” and ”Jackie Mason: Brand New.”