Here is a letter from somebody named Dane Spotts who must be confused.
”Dear Super Achiever,” it salutates.
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He must have the wrong guy.
But, no, the address is correct, the name accurate. I might say that it`s me. But having quibbled about grammar in this space in the past, I`d better say that it`s I.
Anyway, Mr. Spotts says he has something to share, ”something so profound, it will transform you forever.”
Into what? A frog? A prince? An interstate highway? See here, Spotts! What makes you think anyone wants to be transformed at all, much less forever? But let`s not quibble. Spotts is conferring a privilege upon recipients of this mailing. He is allowing us an advance peek at his discovery, which can ”zap stress, boost your brainpower and alter the course of human evolution. In 28 minutes.”
What takes it so long?
It must be quite a discovery, because for now it is being shared with only a very specific elite. You only get Spotts` secret if you`re a ”mind development warrior.”
Did someone ask, ”A what?” Anticipating just such impertinence, Spotts has provided a definition. A mind development warrior is ”someone who is keenly interested in the cutting edge of self-improvement technology.”
Oh.
Along with the letter were inserts, including the envelope in which Spotts wants us to send money. Then there was this brochure explaining his product, described as perhaps ”the most important discovery of the century.” And this in the century which has given the world aluminum foil, diet soda and CNN.
Well, let`s not prolong the suspense here. Though the details are available only by sending a mere small fortune to Spotts, the basic point is that his firm has discovered a way to ”supercharge” your brain.
Don`t panic. This does not mean they are going to blow air through your cerebellum. That`s what a supercharger does in your car (blow air; not through the cerebellum). This supercharger is only a set of audio tape cassettes. But they will alter the chemical and electronic processes of your brain thanks to a ”powerful neuro-entrainment matrix” on the soundtrack. Thus you will be able to ”uncover your hidden potential, discover your life`s purpose and fill each day with renewed passion and joy.”
Yeah, but then what?
Furthermore, you may need less sleep, and it is possible that you will experience ”a dramatic increase in sex drive.” Is either development really desirable?
For those skeptical that mere sound can accomplish so much, Spotts points out that ”the science of sound and it`s effects on the brain have taken a quantum leap in the last few years.”
Hold on here.
Assuming that Spotts himself has had his brain supercharged, how come he can`t speak English? Even those of you who are not finicky about grammar know that ”science” takes the singular ”has,” not ”have,” and that ”it`s”
is the contraction for ”it is,” not the possessive adjective, ”its.”
At which point, without benefit of sound track, the brain becomes supercharged. Spotts is merely doing a high-tech version of the latest incarnation of that great American folk-hero, the snake-oil salesman. Today`s potion, peddled over television, usually on cable stations, cures not physical ailments but social and psychological shortcomings.
For nothing but money, somebody named Tony or one of his competitors will send you tapes which will make you rich and famous because you are not living up to your potential and nothing is holding you back except your own lack of confidence and security.
Pifflesnorch! First of all, if you`re not rich and famous, maybe it`s just because you don`t particularly care to be, which means that you are sane. Being rich does have its advantages, but as long as you avoid poverty, wealth may not be worth all the trouble. As for fame, even those of us who have had just a smidgen of it can attest that it is a decidedly mixed bag. Mainly, it gets you invited to a lot of boring parties.
Besides, though one hates to be the bearer of bad news, the cruel truth is that if life isn`t what you hoped it would be, it`s probably not that you`re not living up to your potential. More likely, you don`t have much.
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This is not said with smug (or even not-so-smug) superiority. I am not rich and famous because I lack talent, character and ambition. If you`re not rich and famous, you may be similarly afflicted.
But if we could scrape together a few bucks and make some audio tapes with weird sounds, maybe we could get some suckers to send us $900 for 50 cents worth of plastic. Dane Spotts and that Tony guy, they`re living up to their potential, all right.