Gays don`t hold hands in the suburbs.
”I would feel less comfortable with a public display of affection out here,” said John Freymann, 31, a gay man who lives in Grayslake. ”I am a little uptight about that.”
It`s not that he`s had bad experiences, he said. ”I`ve never experienced any kind of harassment, and the anti-gay violence I know of has been in the city.”
Yet, ”I worry about a reaction, even though there`s no reason to justify it,” he said.
While public displays of affection are not uncommon in Chicago and other big cities, Freymann said, ”gays in the suburbs feel the need to be more discreet.”
For many gays and lesbians, life in the suburbs remains an uneasy compromise that pits that fear of harassment against the desire for spacious homes and quiet communities.
Though reports of suburban anti-gay violence are rare, it is the concern over what might happen that persuades many gay suburbanites to conceal their sexual identities, while their city counterparts plan events such as June`s boisterous Gay Pride parade.
Although fear of exposure and subsequent harassment can make suburban life less comfortable, it doesn`t deter gays and lesbians, many of whom were raised in the suburbs, from living there with their partners and, sometimes, children.
Suburban gays and lesbians defy neat categorization. Census figures do not track sexual preference. But according to estimates based on a 1991 survey done by Overlooked Opinions, a private Chicago market research company, of the 780,000 people in Du Page County, more than 58,000 are lesbian or gay. The survey also places an average of more than 21,000 gays in each of Kane and Will Counties, which have populations of about 278,000 and 324,000, respectively, and more than 33,000 gays among the 440,000 residents in Lake County.
”It would be a revelation if every one of us would turn green or purple,” said Dr. Ron Sable, a gay physician who unsuccessfully ran for alderman in Chicago`s 44th Ward. ”Then you`d see the extent to which the gay and lesbian community is everywhere.”
Even with sizable numbers of suburban gays, the tone of life remains more subdued. Gays and lesbians find themselves fighting to retain personal identities while assimilating into the suburban community. Some degree of compromise is inevitable, they say.
The compromises are attributed, in part, to fear. Most of the 40 suburban gays and lesbians interviewed for this article feared harassment and were reluctant to have their full names used.
”The fear of exposure is much greater for gay people in Du Page than in the city,” said Marilyn, a self-employed Downers Grove resident and member of Lavender Bouquet, a suburban lesbian social organization. ”Our members come from as far as Deerfield and Lockport, but a lot even use post office boxes to receive our newsletters. People are afraid of losing friends or being harassed.”
Thomas, a 61-year-old Elgin resident who is president of the Fox Valley Gay Association, said: ”People that are gay keep it very hushed out here. Our members are afraid even to go to the Gay Pride parade in Chicago because they don`t want to be seen on the TV news.”
According to gay community members and suburban police departments, reported incidents of anti-gay violence in the suburbs are rare and physical confrontations almost non-existent. Slashed tires have been reported by members of the Holy Covenant Church in Hinsdale, which belongs to a national organization of churches for gays and lesbians. A 75-year-old gay Oak Park man repeatedly had his house vandalized by a group of teenagers who were caught after he contacted the Oak Park Lesbian and Gay Association for help.
But gays and lesbians also find suburban life can be a welcome change from the pace of city living. Neighbors can be tolerant, and the potential awkwardness can be humorous.
Gene and Wayne, partners for 13 years, lived in Glen Ellyn and thought none of their neighbors knew they were gay. That is until a neighbor`s 6-year- old daughter approached the couple, asking who was the husband and who was the wife.
”After that, we knew the whole neighborhood knew, but it didn`t matter to them,” Gene said.
The two men, now living in Bloomingdale, find that their neighborhood is rural yet diverse enough for their comfort as a gay couple.
”In upper middle-class neighborhoods like the suburbs, people tend to be more open-minded,” Gene said. ”If I were in a blue-collar neighborhood, I would definitely feel uncomfortable.”
Gene and Wayne hold lawn parties with their gay friends and invite some of the neighbors.
”We only invite the neighbors that we know are accepting,” he added.
Gene and Wayne are not political activists and said that attitude stems somewhat from the nature of the suburbs. Many suburbanites, gay and straight, find that large lawns, comfortable houses and isolation serve as barriers from the more open gay life and political concerns of city dwellers.
In addition, a large number of suburban gays live with permanent partners or with their children, making up a family unit somewhat like that of their neighbors`. Accordingly, their goals are more identifiably middle class.
The emphasis on discretion among suburban gays and lesbians, however, does not mean they compose a silent population. Groups such as Suburban Parents Triangle, the North, South and West Suburban, Oak Park and Fox Valley Gay Associations and Lavender Bouquet provide a loosely knit network that provides support for gays facing concerns of civil rights, education and acceptance.
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”In the city, there are certain areas that are known to attract gays. You don`t have that in Naperville,” said Tracy Smith, a counselor who works with suburban lesbians in her Lombard office. Smith said most of her clients are lifelong suburban residents who identify themselves with the suburbs.
Even within the workplace, groups for gays and lesbians have formed. AT&T Labs, for one, has the Lesbian and Gay United Employees of AT&T, which has about 80 members in its Northern Illinois branch.
Jim Deacon, 30, works in software development for the AT&T Lab in Naperville and is a spokesperson for the organization.
”There is definitely more need in the suburbs for this type of social outlet,” Deacon said. ”The only other outlet for many gay people is the bar scene, and a lot of suburban people don`t like that.”
The emergence of gay families also has made the suburbs more attractive to gay parents struggling to raise children in a safe environment.
Ethel Cotovsky, 59, of River Grove helped organize Suburban Parents Triangle, a group of about 30 gays and lesbians who met regularly to discuss life as gay parents.
Cotovsky estimated that at least 200 gay families live in the Oak Park area. About half of parents in her group had children from former marriages, she said, and others adopted as single parents.
And while suburban parenting has advantages, Cotovsky noted that the close-knit neighborhoods can focus unwanted attention on a gay couple`s child. ”When you have children, you can`t hide in your homes,” Cotovsky said.
”Gay parents, more than anyone else, cannot stay closeted because to spend their lives hiding would damage the children.”
Aside from educating their children, reaching out to gay youth is a top priority for gay activists in the city and the suburbs.
”That`s because all gay people remember their own horrendous childhood,” said Mel Wilson, 48, co-chairman of the Oak Park Lesbian and Gay Association. ”It`s important for them to help other gay youth.”
In an attempt to educate all youths about gays, members of the Fox Valley Gay Association visit senior sociology classes at Naperville high schools.
”We introduce ourselves and talk about our jobs and families, to let students know that gay people are like everyone else,” said group member David, 35, a lifelong resident of Elgin. ”With each visit, student response is better, but many are still voicing their parents` attitudes.”
Activists said one way to change attitudes is to change laws. They are working to pass national and state legislation that would prohibit
discrimination based on sexual orientation. Last week the Illinois House rejected a controversial proposal to extend to gays and lesbians the protection against job and housing discrimination offered by the state`s Human Rights Act.
Most activists acknowledged that finding support in the suburbs`
traditionally conservative areas will take time, in part because many of the gay residents of those counties reflect the general political attitudes.
”It`s a myth that all gays and lesbians are liberal Democrats,” said Art Schenck, board member for the Illinois Gay and Lesbian Task Force. ”There simply is no more traditional Republican issue than gay and lesbian civil rights, because what it is ultimately about is the right of the individual to be left alone.”
Schenck said he believes that since the issue of individual freedom is a
”classically Republican” rally point, voters and mainstream politicians ultimately will join their cause.
But, he said, ”Convincing them of that is another story.”