Some time ago, long enough ago that even physically fit nature lovers didn`t take themselves too seriously, the Dartmouth Outing Club embarked on one of history`s more interesting socio-geological enterprises.
It was called ”tear down Washington, build up Moosilauke,” and it asked everyone who climbed to the top of Mt. Washington, famed as New England`s highest, to pick up a pebble, put it in his or her backpack and put it atop Mt. Moosilauke, a smaller New Hampshire peak, which is not famed at all.
Eventually, the folks at DOC figured, Moosilauke would become the higher mountain. At 4,810 feet, Moosilauke was 1,478 feet lower than Washington, so success would be gradual. But this plan was born before Americans became addicted to instant gratification, and it was based on the astute conclusion that big and famous is not necessarily good.
Which is even truer of nations and parts thereof than it is of mountains, and is worth remembering now that the census has brought the disturbing-no, the alarming-news that California rules our land as never before.
It is not just that California is the biggest state. It`s been that for decades, and even those of us who regret this fact have learned to accept it. No, the danger stems from the immensity of California`s margin. Almost one in every nine Americans lives in California, a fact which puts to its sternest test the old saying that Providence watches over fools, drunkards and the United States of America.
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Never before has one state so dominated American culture. Even at its zenith, New York was never 10 percent of the country. And New York`s zenith predated electronic communications. The rest of the country could ignore New York, and much of it did. If you think you can ignore California, try finding a restaurant without hanging ferns, a good movie or a cashier who doesn`t tell you to have a nice day.
But do not despair. There is hope for alleviating, if not eliminating, the curse of Californianization. The hope is Iowa.
As California grew by 23.7 percent during the 1980s (these are preliminary figures), Iowa actually lost population, especially in the smaller cities and rural hamlets.
In other words, Iowa has room. The state needs people. And unlike California, Iowa is a superior culture, producing men and women of grit and intelligence. Iowans, for instance, laugh. Outside of certain neighborhoods of Los Angeles, almost no one in California has laughed (wry chuckles don`t count) for 40 years.
So, following the example of the Dartmouth Outing Club, let us herewith propose a campaign to ”depopulate California, build up Iowa” for the benefit of both states, and of the other 48.
The details can be worked out later for a package of private and public incentives to persuade as many people as possible to move from California to Iowa, where they will find the following advantages:
AIR. Invisible but breatheable.
WATER. Plentiful, even without billion-dollar subsidies from the federal government.
TOWNS. The typical Californian now lives in a semi-planned subdivision in which everything is new and compartmentalized and all the neighbors look alike. Those who move to Iowa will discover the existence of Main Streets, old people living near young ones and stores which are not in malls.
WALKING. Usually accomplished by placing first one foot and then the other forward of the body. Convenient to perform along Main Street and to get to stores which are not in malls.
WINTER. A season of cold weather is good for the body, mind and soul. Its absence explains why no one from California has ever had a good idea.
(Californians do have ideas, but the last two, supply-side economics and right turns on red lights, may do us all in).
BEEF AND PIE. Tragically, millions of young Californians have never eaten a real meal. Either they go to fast-food joints, where they are served plastic, or they consume something known as nouvelle cuisine, from which all taste has been extracted, under the delusion that this will enable them to live forever. Iowans eat steak and home-made fruit pies, knowing that this will enable them to enjoy life, however long it may last.
If only a few hundred thousand of California`s 29 million people can be persuaded to live without teenage gangs, crowded freeways, pretentious pseudo- intellectuals, get-rich-quick hucksters and the ocean (well, every place has something going for it), they will learn that despite its average size and its lack of glamor, Iowa is beautiful, exciting and satisfying.
Rather like the view from Mt. Moosilauke.