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player ready...Britain`s racy tabloid newspaper, Today, has a nifty hangover about now. It was ordered Thursday to pay $57,000 to Viscount Linley, a nephew of the queen, for falsely reporting that Linley was booted from a London pub for pouring beer on patrons. ” . . . a complete invention,” said the outraged Linley, 28, son of Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon. The newspaper, which also called Linley a royal ”lager lout,” attributed its story to the owner of the Ferret and Firkin pub. When she professed ignorance, a judge ordered Today to pick up Linley`s tab for libel (plus $122,000 in legal fees). In what has become known as ”the royal soap opera,” that oughta teach `em about sudsing action.
WILL MARLA GET A CUT, TOO? For the record, the man whose photo graces Newsmakers finally has uttered the ”D” word. In an interview with ”Good Morning America” to be broadcast Monday, Donald Trump says: ”Getting a divorce is a very horrible thing on a personal basis. I hate it. . . . It is not something I relish at all.” It is, however, good for hotel and casino business, he conceded. One wonders: Will Ivana`s lawyer now demand profits from separation as well as marriage?
TIME TO POUR IT ON ”It started off as a lark,” testified actor Paul Newman, explaining how Newman`s Own Salad Dressing got started: ”I envisioned a cottage industry of some kind down in the basement, but I was told the federal government would frown on the idea of making salad dressing where the horses had been. It was not particularly sanitary.” From such a lowly equine notion sprang a lot of marketing horse sense and, eventually, lotsa lettuce. Hence the lawsuit by deli owner Julius Gold of Westport, Conn., who claims that Newman`s Own is partly his idea. Neigh, neigh, testified the actor, denying that Gold participated in the company`s salad days and thus isn`t entitled to share in the profits. According to testimony, the company`s $28 million in profits since founding in 1982 have been donated to charity. An identical suit by Gold ended in a mistrial in 1988.
THE TWO FACES OF FREEDOM Somebody, perhaps a thieving American, stole into the motel rooms of Moscow Circus performers in Sacramento and made off with their video equipment. Somebody else, notably a lot of kind-hearted Americans in Sacramento, took up a collection and bought new video equipment, which was delivered to the 90-member troupe after Thursday`s performance. Ah, democracy, don`t ya love it?
AMERICAN SENSE OF HUMOR Ever wonder how you fit in with the mainstream? Well, after watching top-rated ”America`s Funniest Home Videos,” you`ll know. After a recent broadcast, Entertainment Weekly polled viewers for notions of humor. Among their fondest chuckles: A child getting hit in the face with a shovel; a child falling from a swing; a child falling down a hill; a man being hit by a glider; a child bicycling into a tree; a child bicycling into a bush. Next:
Gladiators, perhaps?
BUT IS OUR LEASE UP? One final observation on humanity, this one from New York comic Jim Shubert, commenting on the Alaska oil spill and other rents in the
environment: ”If Earth was an apartment, we wouldn`t get our security deposit back.”