Life is tough as a celeb if you can`t walk on water. Hundreds groaned and rushed for exits at the NAACP confab in Detroit when Oprah Winfrey was a no-show. Complained Cynthia Marie Parker: ”They gave us a cock-and-bull story about bad weather, but how could the weather be that bad in Chicago during the summer?” Well . . . the same lightning storm that grounded Winfrey Tuesday put three near-electrocution victims in a hospital, but conventioneers were unforgiving. Hours earlier, it was announced that Spike Lee and Danny Glover were no-shows, too.
CALLING MR. SMITH . . . Mr. Smith is going to Washington again. Indeed, the Hyatt Regency Hotel in nearby Bethesda, Md., is preparing for at least 50 Mr. Smiths-all named Jim-as the annual Jim Smith Society festival convenes for the first time in D.C. ”All the room reservations are in the name of Jim Smith,” laughed founder James H. Smith Jr., a retired Pennsylvania PR man. ”There`s a Dayton Jim, a Dearborn Jim. . . . From Illinois there a Princeville Jim and a dentist who says he`s the only normal Jim Smith in the group. But that`s because he`s from Normal.”
HE`S FILLED TO THE BRIM Hats off to Adm. William Crowe, the submariner from Oklahoma who is retiring as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. ” . . . 47 years in uniform and the only thing I`ll be remembered for is five minutes on `Cheers,` ” quipped Crowe, who once appeared on his favorite TV program. An admitted sloppy dresser who likes telling corny jokes, Crowe also favors hats. Lots of them. ”I`m happy to report that the pressures of Washington haven`t overcome any of my weaknesses. I now have about 985 hats-and they`re all destined for a museum in Oklahoma City.”
YES, WE HAVE NO PASSPORTS How bad is it in Brazil? Well, its trees are going down-down-down and inflation is up-up-up. Now even residents who can afford to flee Brazil`s awesome 964 percent inflation rate are cut off at the passport. Rio de Janeiro is out of stock and can`t afford new ones. ”It`s the first time this has happened,” said spokesman Geovani Azevedo, explaining the government agency can`t obtain blanks because it`s out of cash and its credit is no good.
BOOK `ER DANNO: SCHLOCK 1 Dahlink, zis is zuch ado about nosszing. I mean, somezing.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, America`s longtime fashion slave and princess of dependence, emerged from court Wednesday in Beverly Hills, Calif., proclaiming to celebrity newsies and fans that she is a champion of ”the battered women of America.”
Gabor, 70, is charged with a variety of alleged offenses, including slapping police Officer Paul Kramer, who had stopped her Rolls Royce on a traffic charge June 14 and found an open bottle of booze inside. Arriving late with her lawyer for court, Gabor entered a plea of innocent and was told by Judge Charles Rubin to show up for trial Sept. 11.
Officer Kramer, averred the fashionable defendant, complaining of handcuff bruises, ”is a sadist.” Worse yet, he`s a celebrity abuser.
”The Nazis were smarter. They had the sense to mistreat women in private,” said Gabor.
(Toward the end, dahlink, Zsa Zsa was back to her old, old affectatious affections. She called Kramer ”an empty-headed, gorgeous man.”)