CAUGHT RED-HANDED

It just wasn`t Lorenzo Delaney`s day. A seemingly profitable auto mechanic, Delaney was depositing $8,000 in cash at a South Carolina National Bank branch in Columbia when, poof, his bundle exploded in a cloud of red. Poor Lorenzo. An alert bank guard connected the exploding red-dye packet with a robbery earlier at the main bank. Delaney was deposited in Columbia`s hoosegow, possibly to ponder the art of cashing in on crime.

A RONNIE VIDEO DEBUTS Out of office only two months, Ronald Reagan already is memorialized in

”Stand-up Reagan,” a 40-minute videotape of Ronnie quotables. ” . . . it was his story telling that endeared him to the American people,” observed David Bowers of J2 Communications in Westwood, Calif., hoping to profit from the hard-liner`s soft one-liners. In Tempe, Ariz., meanwhile, Reagan indicated a more-than-willingness to return as commander-in-chief. In a speech at Arizona State University, he advocated repealing the 22d Amendment, which restricts the presidency to two terms. ”If I`d had a third term, I would have gone to full combat on the budget, even if it meant shutting down the government,” said Reagan, who always talked a good line despite record spending.

PVT. ARF REPORTING, SIR! You`ve heard of military pet projects? Well, the discovery of a dog-and-cat cemetery at Ft. Gordon, Ga., has the Army barking in retreat. It was unearthed when Rep. Nicholas Mavroules (D., Mass.) of the House Armed Services Committee asked about a $16,674 expenditure for a cemetery fence. Since then, the Army has admitted funding at least 14 other pet cemeteries on military posts. ”It`s a ridiculous expenditure when you`re talking about billion-dollar deficits,” said Mavroules, who persuaded Army chief-of-staff Carl Vuono to order a strategic withdrawal.

BURNING HIS BRIDGES Coming clean didn`t occur soon enough for ”Diff`rent Strokes” star Todd Bridges. A judge in Los Angeles has ordered Bridges, 23, to stand trial for the attempted murder of a cocaine dealer despite arguments by defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran that the actor actually was too drugged from weeks of cocaine abuse to plan a murder. (One witness testified that it ”looked like his eyes were about to jump out of his head.”) Judge David Horwitz was unimpressed. He also refused to reduce the $2 million bond . . . so Bridges could make commercials warning young people about drugs.

MEN-THOSE `BARBARIANS` If you can believe Cosmopolitan magazine, you might wonder about Don Johnson. ”Women put grace, poise in our world,” said Johnson in Cosmo`s April issue. ”I`m sure they thought of civilization first. Men are basically barbarians. I think women indulge us, allow us our racing boats and other toys so that we`re out of their hair long enough for them to accomplish the task of maintaining civilization.” Asked why women are attracted to him, America`s model for civilized society on ”Miami Vice” reflected, ”Maybe they sense that I truly appreciate them.”

FORD HAS A BETTER IDEA Speaking of models, New York`s premiere modeling agent, Eileen Ford, has this advice for women who enter business with their husbands (as she did, in 1946): ”If you want to stay married, he`d better be the boss.” Ford told Working Mother magazine that she and husband Jerry have had only three arguments since.