Yes, the vaguely snowlike chemical compounds that have been smeared on the store windows since before the World Series are starting to turn gray, and you know what that means: Christmas is here at last!
In our family, this is a very special time of year, a time when we engage in centuries-old holiday traditions, such as buying the World`s Deadest Tree. We go down to one of those Christmas-tree places that spring up in vacant lots and charge you approximately $1 per individual tree cell, and we wander around, knowledgeably examining the various candidates, until we find a tree that was originally cut down by cannon fire during the Civil War, and we say: ”This one looks nice and fresh!”
Then we take it home and set it up, thus triggering a long-dormant defense mechanism, designed to prevent the tree`s natural enemies from hanging ornaments on it, which causes it to instantly drop all its needles like a heroin addict in a police raid.
Once the tree is up and naked, it`s time for another favorite family tradition, which is putting on our darkest sunglasses and driving over to admire the home of the Tasteful Display People.
These are people in a neighborhood near us who every year turn their house and yard into a spectacular giant electrified display, similar to downtown Las Vegas, only without the restraint. In addition to several bazillion light bulbs, their yard features animated re-creations of traditional Christmas scenes such as the long-ago night when the Three Wise Men gathered in Bethlehem with other traditional motorized figures such as Mary, Joseph and Frosty the Snowman to move their heads slowly back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as though they were watching the Bethlehem Open Slow-Motion Tennis Classic.
The Tasteful Display People`s yard is already bright enough to disorient commercial aircraft, but they keep adding new elements, including, this year, the new General Dynamics XR-47 Laser-Equipped Manger. It`s only a matter of time before they acquire nuclear capability.
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Speaking of threats to human survival, I want to remind everybody of the recent alarming holiday discovery that fruitcake is destroying the planet.
Yes. Leading environmental scientists named Bob and Ted are now telling us that fruitcake, being the densest substance known to man, emits gravity rays so powerful they suck on the Earth`s precious ozone layer, causing it to stretch and eventually break, like a cheap brassiere repeatedly washed in harsh detergent.
This is sad news, indeed, because the fruitcake has been a traditional festive holiday treat ever since the first one was produced accidentally by a chemist attempting to develop an edible tire.
In our household, we always got a large amount of pleasure from receiving a gift fruitcake and seeing if we had any kitchen implements or power tools sturdy enough to penetrate it. But, tragically, those days are over, because the federal government has banned the manufacture or possession of fruitcakes, with violators to be placed in brutal holiday prisons where they will be forced to actually read all the annual Christmas newsletters from their friends and loved ones.
But never mind. This is America, and if we want to, we can start NEW centuries-old traditions. For example, since we moved to Miami, we`ve been going out each year with a group of people who engage in Christmas caroling from a boat. We motor around on a maze of canals that go behind people`s houses, caroling our lungs out, trying to remember all the words to ”The Twelve Days of Christmas,” and I`m sure that it would fill the hearts of our listeners with the true spirit of the season, except they can`t hear us because they`re in the family room watching ”The Terminator” on cable TV.
Sometimes we`ll get so loud that they`ll come to the window and peer out with alarm (”What is it, George?” It`s some people out there on a boat, yelling something. It sounded like `Nine goats a-barfing.` ” ”I`m calling the police!”)
CHRISTMAS CRAFTS FOR CHILDREN
Here`s a fun and traditional craft that I learned to make back in 1st grade. Get some construction paper, some children`s safety scissors and a big jar of that white paste that they used to have in schools back during the Eisenhower administration.
Now take the scissors and attempt to cut the construction paper into 1-inch-wide strips and finally give up in frustration because children`s safety scissors don`t cut worth squat. Now eat the paste. That`s what we always did.